Saturday, March 26, 2011

In Which My Foot Becomes Lodged In My Mouth



So.  Turns out that this girl reads my blog.  What are the fucking odds?  Also, something gives me the impression that I’m in deep shit right now, because she dragged me over to a computer, sat me down, and forced me to write a new post.

Oh, of course.  She’s asking to write.  How stupid of me.  Don’t have to get so pissy about it.  Yes, I know you can read over my shoulder.  Shut up and let me lay the ground rules.

One: No names.  You have to call me Jekyll.  You can’t call anyone else by anything.  We don’t want to put them at risk.  Two: I get to proofread.  I’m sure you’ll understand.  Three: NOTHING THAT GIVES ANY INFORMATION ABOUT WHO WE MIGHT BE OR WHERE WE ARE.  We’re not letting anything slip unless it’s necessary.  Sound fair?  Okay, I’m letting you take the computer now.  Are you happy?

Okay, where to even start?  First of all, you’re telling me that you expect me to be followed by Ol’ Slendy now?  You want to grow up a bit, Jekyll?  Those guys who attacked us were muggers.  He’s not real.  I don’t know whether this is some stupid prank or whether you actually believe all this, but it’s really, really sad either way.

And it’s so hard to type Jekyll instead of your real name.  I mean, I’m having to hit backspace when I write I because you’re making all these stupid paranoid rules about how nobody can no anything, like the smallest bit of information is going to either disprove your story or draw internet stalkers to you.  And I don’t even get a name?  Wow.  Thanks for making a girl feel special.  And why Jekyll?  Why not Hyde?  I mean, you don’t strike me as either of them, so why do I have to choose one or the other?  They’re both dicks, by the way.

Also, you’re Jekyll?  Really?  You’re nothing like Jekyll.  You’re a pretty nice guy in real life.  Jekyll is an asshole.  Showing me this asshole side of yourself?  Not cool.

But I can look past that, since you’re an okay guy.  And we’re pretty good friends.  Here’s the thing though, Jekyll: I have a boyfriend.  How did you miss this?  And good job, putting it on the entire internet to see that “things are going well” with that one girl you think is cute.  I mean, Jesus, at least mention my name.  You’ve completely humiliated me, Jekyll.  So yeah, I’m pretty pissed about that.

I’m getting back at you now.  Fuck you and your proofreading.  I’m just posting this.  I don’t even care that you’re going to be mad, because I don’t want to see you for a while anyway.

Nice post title, by the way.  Guess you didn’t think it would be this accurate.


  1. Uh...okay, yeah, she...posted this while I was zoning out and then just stormed off. And now I'm reading it and thinking that I probably shouldn't edit this, as I kind of deserve it. I'm a moron.

    But hey, in my defense, how the fuck was I supposed to know that she wasn't single?

    Fuck, that really could have gone better.


  2. Yeah, it could have. But it could also have gone worse. I mean, at least none of (the rest of) us are close enough for the drama to have any real effects on us, or vice versa.

    In all honesty, it's probably better that she thinks you're insane/faking it. Hell, I think you're just trying to write a good story, and refusing to consider the alternative while still playing along has kept me out of trouble so far.

    I was about to suggest Lanyon as a handle for her, but considering how that guy met his end, it probably wouldn't be the best idea. Even if it kind of fits.

    I feel kind of like a jerk for not talking to both of you, but there's really nothing I have to say to That Girl (which is what I've been calling her in my head all this time). Good luck, you two.

  3. For the record, she's, um...not usually like this. She's just a bit upset. Understandably.

    She's still refusing to talk to me, by the way.