Tuesday, March 29, 2011

“I Told You So” in 3, 2, 1….


Well, she’s back.  And she’s not happy.  Largely because she’s come to the conclusion that I’m right.  She had the whole paranoia thing and whatnot.  Anyway, I ran into her on campus while she was writing something in one of the opens.  I snuck up behind her, looked over her shoulder and burst out laughing.  It was a dickish move, but I just couldn’t help it.  She had been keeping a time journal.  She started blushing pretty badly, then started actually physically attacking me.  And yes, I know you’re still reading the blog.  Guess what?  You hit like a girl.  Yeah, I’m pissing you off, but I don’t even care by this point.

Anyway, I stopped mocking her pretty much as soon as she admitted that she had lost time.  You all know what that means.  All sorts of bad news.  For both of us, unfortunately.  Because now, I can’t just survive on my own.  I have to help some chucklefuck (yes, I’m talking to you) survive, because she’s pretty incapable on her own.

A tall, faceless abomination stalks two ordinary college students!  Now, they’ve got to learn to work together to avoid getting caught…and killed!  But here’s the catch: to protect everyone, they can’t tell anyone what’s going on!  Will they be able to survive?  Will they fail?  And most importantly, how are they going to explain all the time they’ll inevitably spend together to her boyfriend?  Hilarity Ensues in this wild and wacky adventure that I wish was actually wild, wacky, and an adventure instead of a shitty burden of an existence where absolutely anyone I get close to or start to care about has the chance of getting sucked into a horrible and torturous existence just by even fucking being around me!

I fucking hate all this.  I can’t take this anymore.  The first person I start to reach out to in months, and she’s about to be caused unbelievable pain.  Just because I talked with her.  Just because I had a crush on her.  Just because I was stupid enough to try to spend some one-on-one time with another fucking human being.

I hate staying in crowds.  I hate becoming that freak in the corner who doesn’t talk to anyone or the guy who’s just another generic face in the mob.  I hate not being able to talk to interesting people because I’m worried about their well-being.  I hate keeping this secret from everyone.  I hate that the only people I can go to for comfort are people I can’t trust and people who can’t trust me.  I hate being an asshole to turn people off in the hopes that they’ll avoid me.  I hate that I can’t even fucking trust myself anymore.  I hate that all this has been for absofuckinglutely nothing, because now I’ve fucked up someone else’s life.

And I fucking hate that I’m not strong enough to handle all this.  I can’t do this, guys.  I talk big, but I’m no brave warrior like Zeke.  I’m no great leader like zero.  I don’t have the guts to experiment like Ava or Jeff.  Hell, I’m definitely not like M.  I don’t have the resolve to run and keep everyone I care about safe.  I don’t have the courage to keep going, even when things get tough.  I don’t even have the composure to keep a cool head anymore.  And I fucking hate it.  What am I?  The Hermit’s successor?  Please.  When was the last time you saw me do anything remotely helpful like M did?  Even if I do continue to offer advice, it’s tainted by my untrustworthiness.  Am I a great figurehead?  Only 27 followers says otherwise.  Am I a good role model?  Fuck no, I’m a jackass.  Can I make people laugh or keep them upbeat?  Gee, are you reading the same blogpost that I’m writing?  Can I even fucking do anything worthwhile anymore?

Just…just go away.  All of you.  Just unsubscribe or something.  I don’t want to see you.  I don’t want to talk to you.  And I don’t want you guys to see or talk to me.  I thought I could do so much for you all.  And where am I now?  I’ve failed you at every turn.  I’ve failed myself at every term.  Are you guys still looking at me as M’s successor?  Don’t.  He’s not dead.  He’s alive.  Go back to him.  Just go away and fucking leave me alone.

This is the fucking least pleasant “I told you so” ever.



  1. Dude, this is normal. Keep going and the feeling of utter isolation will fade away into numbness. You just have to take the days as they come.

  2. Can you hear that? Its the worlds smallest violin, and its playing for you! Buck up we're all in the same depressing fucking situation. If you're tired and want to give up then do it quiet whining because whining wont get you any closer to being free from this monstrosity. Just know that when you give up it will tear your insides out, or turn you against the people you care about. I'm sorry but I'm not much in the mood to show pity at the moment.

  3. Wallowing in your own pathetic self-loathing and guilt solves nothing. You sound like REACH for Gods sake. Life is cruel, even more so when He is hunting you. Deal with it, or remove yourself from it.
    It is by giving up or isolating yourself like this, that you truly become a failure. It is by refusing to offer what aid you can to your friends and allies that you allow Him to win.

  4. The above may sound harsh, but it's plenty true, you sound a lot like Reach. Don't give up, Jekyll, we won't forgive you for it.