Help Me Help You Help Us All

 

All right, chums, let’s do this….

What’s up, everyone? I’m Jekyll. Or at least that’s my pretentious handle, because you evidently need one of those. I’m not regretting this name decision at all. Cool-sounding. Symbolic. I personally think it suits me well: a mad scientist sort who willingly embraces the concept of a complete monster before growing to regret it. Okay, so maybe it’s not a perfect symbolism, but it sounds cool. That’s enough in my book. Either way, let’s just hope our stories don’t end the same way. Because as we all know (and I’m about to be a complete douche to anyone who is ignorant enough to know nothing about literature), the monster consumes Jekyll in the end.

Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, though, I’m not talking about my own personal Mr. Hyde. No, I’m talking about a monster without, not a monster within. I’m talking about the Slender Man.

Yeah, I said his name. Oh, no! Come on, guys, he’s not fucking Voldemort. What, is his name so scary now that we can’t bring ourselves to say it? And what’s up with the nicknames? Is it because of the Tulpa Effect? Believe me, if the Tulpa Effect is real, that’s hurting more than it’s helping. Now nobody’s going to be able to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas or eat a stick of jerky without thinking of him. Good job, guys. Real great going. */sarcasm*.

And don’t go into this shit about “protecting the Blind” either. Guess what? If you’re here, you probably already know about the Slender Man. If you don’t, he’s tall, wears a suit, is faceless, and stalks for a while before ripping out your organs and putting them back in plastic bags. Go look up Marble Hornets, and you’ll see why that’s scarier than it sounds. Oh, no! I’ve ruined you now! Yeah, whatever. Go whine to the idiot who gave you the fucking link and told you to check it out.

And if you did somehow manage to just accidentally stumble across this…I really am sorry. But you should probably keep reading, because this blog is probably gonna save your life.

See, this isn’t one of those “O NOEZ HE IZ TEH STALKING ME!!!!11!!1!eleven!!!” blogs. Well, technically, it is. But it’s not full of despair and stuff. Yeah, I know you can’t beat him. But you can survive him, easily. It’s been done. Hell, M (from The Tutorial…you’ve probably already read it if you’re here) has a whole blog dedicated to surviving.  Well, that’s what I’m going to be doing.  Only better.  Yeah, I know, I’m a cocky bastard.  Deal with it.

See, M was sort of thrust into this unexpectedly. I was thrust into it too, and I’ll admit that I didn’t really see it coming. But I was prepared anyway. See, I’m the sort of person who’s got a plan for when the zombies inevitably arrive (Call my family in the isolated countryside and tell them to prepare, then lock myself up in my dorm room with my “decorative” katana until the rush out of the city dies down. After that, it’s about an hour of driving, or 50 miles as the crow flies until I reach my home). I’m prepared. I’m, to use a term, genre savvy. I know what I’m doing. I can survive a zombie apocalypse. I can survive a horror movie. I can survive a Seltzer and Friedberg movie (step one: don’t watch it). I think I can survive the Slender Man.

“But Jekyll!” you say. “We thought we could, too!” Yeah, you did. But guess what? You didn’t. You’ve all screwed up somehow. Whether it’s letting your guard down or thinking you’re special or heading into an obvious trap, you’ve all stumbled once or twice. I’ve read your blogs. I’ve learned from your mistakes. And now you can all learn from mine.

But let’s just pray that I don’t make any, shall we?

…Leerooooooooooy…nnJenkiiiiiiiiiiiiins!